I'm still waking up some mornings and forgetting that I have a horse. I have a horse.... It sinks into my brain slowly on those mornings like I've dreamed it all and I'm trying to clear the fog as to what is real and what was just the dream. I guess this happens often when people have finally made a lifetime goal a reality. Like when you have a dream to own a home for instance and finally wake up there each morning, letting the reality of where you are sink in good and fill every part of you.
It is exciting, challenging. It can be quite unnerving and even stressful. You were always aware of the enormous responsibility. You just were not living it until that moment that you turned the key to the front door (or signed your life away at the closing LOL), took the lead rope from the hauler, had the baby placed in your arms. The weight of it is crushing but also uplifting. It is an odd experience.
I myself have spent half a lifetime ducking responsibility in any traditional sense. LOL. I've always concentrated on things that I felt were solid and that once achieved could never be taken away, or fade, or go badly. My education. My career. And I realize that careers can go south so maybe a better word would just be simply my work. I have always maintained a mindset that my work ethic defined me. I have never had any doubt that wherever I am employed, people will recognize that I have it and that I am capable of working circles around others. I've had many jobs and career paths in my life and whether I was selling dog food, settling insurance claims or managing people there has never been a question but rather the assumption that oh yeah, work is what she does...
You cannot take away someone's education or deeply held work ethic. And therefore those things are solid and dependable to me. Other traditional responsibilities like marriage, kids, owning homes (which I have done in my life and can attest to the enormity of both positive and negative factors)....not so solid in my mind.
So, I realize now that part of the reason I leased horses for so long was, in part, a way to manage my responsibility in my mind for something that was not solid and could at any moment be taken away. Horses are expensive, injury, illness and even untimely death can occur, accidents, etc. the list goes on and on. I placed horses in the "not solid" category for many years and although several of my reasons for not having my own horse were valid, deep down it all goes back to the fear post that I wrote about last month.
Refusal of responsibility and fear go hand in hand. I realize only now how they are all wrapped up together in our minds and our choices. Somehow we have to first separate them and then deal with them both in order to experience our own lives fully.
In Loving Memory
...of the first horse to hold my heart