Last night I was informed that "many people have said you are having a mid-life crisis". I immediately went on the defensive. I felt like I had to explain myself, redefine the statement, prove that no, it is not a mid-life "crisis" so much as a re-evaluation of my soul, a re-acquaintance with myself, a.....
Then. Why am I explaining myself? I needed to change my life so I did. Why is there a need to respond to ANYTHING beyond that?
Because we all are conditioned to what we should be, that's why. Whether we rally against societal expectations and norms or actively embrace them we are all still products of that society and the impact of it shapes us. Some more than others but, still...
And further, where does this negativity come from that is associated with re-evaluating one's life? I didn't go out and buy a Maserati for piss-sake I bought a place to live, within my budget, that I could manage. It doesn't have quartz counter tops (BTW did ya'll know that granite is "out" and quartz is "in" now? pffffttttt), or even stainless steel appliances (they are white. I know, gasp right? Again, pfffftttt). I didn't buy a Friesian I bought an unregistered effing Quarter Horse for 800 bucks because his conformation was solid and he had good feet. I bought a small truck because I needed a 4x4 and I know my limitations with my ability to drive (LOL) and financially. I didn't go find myself some young punk to hang out with, I chose to hang out with myself because I wanted to. Because I needed to. This entire year of my re-evaluation of my life has been a big ole' reality check imposed by ME on ME. So, not your traditional mid-life crisis folks.
But, there I go explaining myself again.
So Much Hate. So much comparison and angst and anger and non-acceptance and ill-will and judgment and put-down and nitpicking and fear. So Much Fear. That's what all of it stems from. Fear of others, fear of self, fear of longing, of loneliness, of loss of hope, of loss of control, of the inability to just accept others and their choices.
No more explanations. Just living.
A Diary of...
Trying to live well in every way...and sometimes laughing about it later.