I wanted to write a post about fear and I wasn't even sure where to put it. I may end up posting it to several blogs. Why? Because it permeates many portions of my life.
People have no idea how full of fear I am. Well, LOL, I guess you people do because I'm about to tell you all about it. But, in "real" life I have mastered the ability to hide the fact that no matter what is going on I am pretty much pissing my pants inside. I've mastered this ability because I have always lived in fear. So, you know, you get pretty good at acting otherwise after decades of practice.
I'm not sure where it comes from. I have a few clues to how it may have developed just based on my life and moving through it but there was no one defining moment that said: you are now a fearful person. To the contrary, it was more likely several thousand tiny things and how my mind processes experience. None of the circumstances are about blame. We all make our own way in the end. But, acknowledging where beliefs come from is important in coping with negative ones.
I grew up in the shadow of an amazing older brother. A good deal older (8 years) than me so he was actually an adult while I was just entering puberty. My brother was (and is) a wonderful guy who is not only very well liked but is a talented musician, played every sport available to him while growing up, loves people and is still humble and down to earth. He is a prankster and a kid at heart. He is practical and logical and walks the line.
It is a joke in our family that he got all the "natural" ability and I got the ability to dream. LOL. From the start I was a bit different. I spent a lot of time alone, yes, daydreaming. I immersed myself in fantasy. I did not like people much, even as a kid. I hated team sports and was very sensitive. My mom always marveled at my ability to cry over the most random things.
We, my brother and I, were raised by different members of our families for the most part. The reasons were varied and I'll spare the details but the philosophies on life were definitely, distinctly opposite.
I think that a lot of times in life, you learn what is proven to you. I read an article not long ago that said that people who "don't like people" often feel that way because their examples of relationships and interactions between people and with people were for the most part not positive throughout their younger years. It is an overgeneralization yes, but I think it has merit.
I learned to not trust people through trial and major error and if I could not trust people then how could I trust myself? I think this is where the fear was born. Because if you have trust in yourself, what do you have to fear? If, despite all the world is showing you, you have faith in your own being, you are golden. If you question even that, fear creeps in.
It has taken me years and years to even recognize that I am fearful! For decades I denied it. I put on a mask of "I fear nothing" and went out into the world with my teeth gritted, pretending that I was well put together and confident. That got me further than I would have imagined actually but there comes a point in your life where you really want to know yourself and acknowledge yourself in deep ways. So, that began my admission that I live in fear.
What sparked this post was buying a horse. That process really has brought ALL this contemplation to the surface. I lost my daily contact with horses almost four months ago. For a time I was frozen in what I now know was fear. People would ask me what are you doing about the horse situation? and I would have a million excuses as to why I wasn't looking for a horse, or a place to keep a horse. Stuff like - it is winter, there are probably no boarding spots available (without even looking), I don't know what I want, it is too soon... What was really going on was that I was paralyzed by fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of fucking up, fear of going and talking to random people, riding random horses, picking a horse with three legs (I mentioned in my horse blog having a dream that's what I did and waking up in a panic).
My fear generally goes like this: I have a decision to make and in making that decision I come up with a thousand "worst case scenarios" that range from the simple to the very elaborate as in: I can't ride my horse over there by that stream because what if a duck flies into his head, he spooks and throws me off and there happens to be some stick lying there that I don't know about and I land on it and impale myself through the heart and then I'll be dead. LOL. Oh, I'll give you another one from just last night when it was late and I was cold and didn't feel like walking with the dog all the way over to where he pees. So, I stood in the doorway and waited for him. Then I start thinking: It is really dark over there and what if he gets attacked by a coyote and I won't be able to save him because it is icy and by the time I get there he'll be dead and what if I fall on the ice in the process, hit my head and the coyote eats me too? This is COMPLETELY illogical because first of all, while we do have coyotes they are not close to our houses and furthermore WTF kind of random crazy shit is that anyway, yet these are the things I am thinking about?
Fear is so my constant companion that in my Winter Solstice (new year) ritual I centered my whole ceremony on letting it go. Obviously, magic and continual work go hand in hand...
So, getting beyond fear is not just a "hobby" for me. It is a daily and constant struggle. I probably will never be able to put it completely to rest. You cannot become another type of person just because you want to. Sheer will cannot overcome these things to any further extent than it already has in my case. I also worry as I get older that the fear will increase as many phobias and other "ticks' tend to do as we age and become more out of touch with the ebb and flow of action and what is happening "in the trenches" of life. It is times like this when I envy people that fear nothing, but even then only to the extent that I think - gosh if they only knew...
A Diary of...
Trying to live well in every way...and sometimes laughing about it later.