In the fall of 2012 I went on an amazing trip to Seattle and spent about a week in the city, exploring and experiencing life in general. I had a good deal of time to myself because I was tagging along on a conference with my mate. I didn't actively seek a "marker" of when my mindset started to change about magic, life in general, my future, the fact that time for us all is running out in terms of being authentic and true to ourselves, etc. But, for some reason, that trip has become a marker for me. Nope, nothing extraordinary happened. I didn't have a prophetic experience there. I didn't have an overly negative one either. I had a great time and arrived home happy and exhausted from what I recall.
It was, however, shortly after this that I began to struggle with chronic fatigue (which was my own fault having been pushing myself very hard physically for years) and decided to take a break from travel and concentrate on me. I struggled to do this for some time. Almost two years actually. I did win the CF battle eventually and my body has now regulated. But, I was told that being "still" was not the answer by those close to me (who do not like being still LOL) and for some time, I believed it. It MUST be ME then. I just must not be able to pull my shit together and care about life...
I took baby steps though, tried to be the person I desperately wanted to be... There was major upheaval both personally and professionally. I lost my horse. Not to illness or death but to differing philosophies between owner, trainer and caregiver. Owner trumps caregiver AND trainer. I lost my way. I found myself uninspired to light a fucking candle much less actually talk to the moon. I lost my perspective. I worried I might lose my job in the midst of crazy talks of mega-park systems, other people's retirements and power plays. I lost my soul. My personal life became some odd sort of contemplation on the tree of woe, only not that dramatic! I say it only for the buzzard reference LOL. I felt pieces of me getting pecked away while I stared down at them, trying to figure out how to put them back while not upsetting the apple cart of what I had participated in building...
I somewhere had to make peace with the fact that these were all my choices. There were others involved in my life for certain. None of us live in a vortex of "self" although sometimes it would be easier if we did in many respects. But, in the end, I had made choices as we all do and I had built a life that was not a bad life at all. It was a good life. But it wasn't mine.
I am at an age where many windows are closed. I will never have children. This is not something that I ever wanted deeply so it doesn't shatter my sense of "everything is as it should be" but it is sobering when thought of in terms of the norms of our peers and friends. I do not have a soul mate. This is more of a deep wound for me. I've had many relationships and they have all required me to give up who I am. Some would say I have had relationships with the wrong people. I tend to think that I perhaps have had at least some with the right people, but at the wrong time. And, unless you have a Tardis....well, you get the picture. I had dreams that will not come true. I will never be a veterinarian. Again, my choices have made this so because it WAS possible. I am educated and was encouraged to learn, so I have not one person on earth to blame for not following a childhood dream but myself. Lastly, I left my next best "dream" job in the veterinary industry over 10 years ago and could never catch up on the technology or experience in that field to regain anything close to it. Once again, my choice. Yes there were life circumstances, money and poor working environment at the time that played heavily in my decision. But, repeat, right place/some of the people, very wrong time in my life.
For those my age and older, I tend to not believe anyone that says "I have no regrets" and feel like possibly they are just not willing to explore them. It is extremely painful to do so, admittedly. But, in times of reflection and planning it seems to me that I have to go there in order to count my blessings so to speak.
I have a career that I DID get degreed for and for that I am extremely thankful. I pays the heaps of bills that come with the freedom to live as one would choose and more importantly to me, it buys my food for my animals, vet care and a roof over their own heads. It allows me to be a good critter mom. I have a home I am making my own and good friends to share in my passion for a magical life, nature, horses, and even mindless discussions of entertainment over good beer. My immediate family is still alive and mostly well so I still have time to spend with them, although I know it will probably never be ideal or enough.
I hope to simply live my life in the state of just being and take the damn time to notice everything that seems to pass us by while we chase dreams and try to keep up with Mr. and Mrs. Jones. I don't think one can successfully do that while in a state of regret so I will make a point to burn those tonight. It isn't that they won't be there. It is just that, realistically they don't really matter. We are where we are and we must move through life from there, not from memories, regret or longing.
Happy Winter Solstice and Blessed New Moon. May the darkness carry all of your worries into the deep earth and may we all begin again and with the moon, transform.