The first time I heard the phrase "imposter syndrome" was in the health and fitness community. I thought....hmmmm interesting...and then went about my business. I mean, I knew it happened and I could relate to an extent but I just had never pushed myself to the point outside my comfort zone where I really felt it with regard to fitness or health.
Imposter Syndrome seems to me to be the classic thought process that the other shoe will surely drop when everyone finds out how inept you really are....
Now, despite what I said in the opening paragraph, I do have it in relation to just about every other thing in life to one degree or another. It is based in fear, like so many of the things that plague us all in the modern world of increasing demands and open examination of every aspect of our lives.
It seems logical that the underlying beliefs that make up imposter syndrome build on themselves and at various times have been proven to be accurate, or else we would not fear them. There may have been small instances that should not even matter. Take the one time you did not study for a test like your mom told you to and despite doing well on other tests you end up doing poorly. Suddenly you really are "the slower one" amongst your siblings. You should actually attribute the "failure" to not studying and be done with it but you don't. Instead, you attribute it to the belief that you really ARE slow, that the other tests were simply a fluke, that you were lucky for awhile and now your luck has run out.
There is a theory that our minds remember negative if this then that situations more vividly than positive situations. It is part of the survival mechanism. To me this is a very important part of imposter syndrome as it relates to the challenges of the professional environment and even our personal lives. Much of growing up is learning, through trial and a great deal of error. It is hard to not focus on the errors rather than the successes. Again, it is in our make-up and is how we have survived. It is also a little bit of the power of nurture and environment. I am reminded of another theory that talks about the hypothesis that those of us who say we "don't like people" may feel that way because our core, early experiences with people were negative. Perhaps there was family strife or it just was not a supportive environment, or maybe our interactions with our peers were not the best when young. For whatever reason, we learned that people were not to be trusted, that they were mean and you had to "watch out" or they would hurt you. Again, an example of negative experience shaping an underlying belief system.
Now, the good news is that when we become adults it is up to us what we believe. We can make the choice to work on our internal dialogue and our ideas that we are less than deserving of success. I find it is easier said than done, like most things worth doing, but we owe it to ourselves to try.
Imposter syndrome is why I have always been an adorably witty underachiever (not my label someone called me that once - a professor actually). I sat in the back of the class (always), only participated when my grade depended upon it (ie - you join the discussion or points come off), and preferred to take good notes, listen, observe and then get mostly straight A marks. In my mind, the grade was what it was about, right? If you are going to force me to be verbal by saying my grade depends on it fine, but otherwise you want me to answer the questions correctly on paper and be able to write well. OK, I can do those things now can we move on?
The things I deemed myself not good at (social interaction, getting along with others, caring about people AT ALL, being in the spotlight) I would figure out ways around and most of those ways involved observation and doing the work just as well as those around me who were busy sucking up and NOT doing the work. Being an underachiever protected me from imposter syndrome because, well, I was often not living up to my potential in other people's minds but I was doing just fine in my humble opinion.
Now, I must point out that there is something to be said for knowing yourself well and not getting so wrapped up in achievement that you become a stressed out, hopelessly type A individual. That very scenario is something I have always weighed carefully when the questions of added responsibility, career advancement, even personal changes came up. My lifestyle and my approach always put me squarely where I was comfortable being. In the back of the classroom observing quietly, yet working hard and making myself indispensable in the subconscious of others. How? Frankly, by doing "the work" so damn well and without fanfare.
Then the oddest thing happened. Well, two odd things actually. 1. I had to either buy a horse myself or live without horses in my life. 2. I had to decide whether to accept an interim position running my organization while a most complicated and possibly highly controversial merger of systems is undertaken in my community. My community? Uggggghhhh the very sound of it turns my stomach. LOL.
The first odd thing was hard enough to work through and I still, almost daily, feel like someone who possibly should not even be allowed to dream of having a horse. I don't know enough, I'm not good enough at it, I'm gonna screw him up...the list of reasons constantly running through my brain is endless. The second odd thing I could have declined on the very basis that someone who still flies her inner punk Anarchy flag should not use the words "my" and "community" in the same sentence without the knowledge that she has sold out to THE.MAN. Further, both of these oddities (although in different ways) signify that (OMG) my responsibility meter has gone from a manageable I got this to some over the top feeling of holy sh8t there is no turning back now...
So the imposter syndrome is rampant in me right now is what I'm saying. I'm reeling with it. I wake up every day, look in the mirror and expect my face to slide off, revealing some awful, sniveling wretch who can't tie her shoes and talks to cats who aren't even there. What do I think I'm doing anyway? This can't turn out well. How dare I? I'm not supposed to get to this point. I don't deserve to have a horse or manage things, I'm just a girl from some Podunk little town hell it is a miracle I even made it to college... And on and on it goes.
So, I have been trying to engage in more logical inner dialog and am finding it very hard work. I guess that is the only way to work through illogical systems of belief. At work I can pull from actual objectives met, things accomplished, processes moved forward. With Takoda I am keeping a detailed journal that includes things we are working on, progress, set backs, possible related factors. In trying to take the emotion out of the entries I am hoping the inner voices will change.
I'm thinking this might not be the time to pick my guitar back up (you know, the one I haven't played in six months). Then again...
The uniforms of our existence. Everyday, we get up and go out into the world and we, hopefully, are making an effort to be as authentic as we can be.
But how successful are we? We ALL have masks. We all have a persona to some extent that we are forced into or even choose to don on a daily basis in order to somehow fit in, maintain order, get ahead, or even just cope with daily life amongst the mass of personalities and other drama that pulls us in one direction or the other.
I am thinking about this a lot lately due mostly to some inevitable changes and ensuing upheaval at work. But it is worth it to ask ourselves in most portions of our lives what our masks allow us to contemplate and achieve as well as what they hold us back from and whether they interfere to some unacceptable extent with who we are. Who we really are.
I contemplate this stuff because I am afraid. I'm afraid of losing myself within a role that I must play. I'm afraid that the miniscule amount of empathy I have left in me for the human race is going to fall away as I struggle through uncharted territory and dealings with said mammals on more numerous occasions. I only have so much room on my stupid meter and most days I already find it close to maxed out so what will it mean to add to it to the point of overflow? I don't know and I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of how it might overflow into my personal business and my mental health. Anger management is sometimes an almost impossible task in my line of work. Separating life into boxes is not something I'm good at. I'm a global kind of "feeler" and as such, my moods tend to lend themselves to a universal language.
The simple answer would be to be authentic and be done with it. And it is true that being authentic is not difficult for me. What is difficult is the world's reaction to my authentic nature. I am, for instance, not exactly hiding in a closet as far as spiritual matters go but by the same token I do not advertise my beliefs. I have found in life that most people are just as clueless about spirituality and religion as they are everything else so few even notice that I wear a small pentacle or that I mention a solstice in relation to the calendar, etc. But, those subtle parts of my day to day dealings with people are masks within themselves. I WANT to be open about who I am spiritually. I WANT it to not matter. But, reality is that it would be used against me at work. Don't kid yourselves my friends, there IS no separation of church and state in terms of employment in the public sector. The reality is that it matters.
And on the subject of being authentic, what would most people's reaction be to the true nature of Gillian on other philosophical matters? I can't even type them HERE for fear that someone, somehow, will stumble upon this world of mine, this haven that I have created with dear friends miles apart through blogging and podcasting... They'll stumble upon it and rat me out, manipulate my beliefs (not only spiritual) and opinions as something not becoming of the role I hold or may hold.
Am I being paranoid? Am I being a coward? Am I just still being a scared little girl laughed at and bullied because she believed that animals went to heaven?
When we sell our souls it is often times not a grand affair like it is in the movies. It isn't like Al Pacino offers us the sweet life in a high rise penthouse complete with every manner of every favorite sin. It usually happens in a much more subtle way, little by little, until in our times of quiet contemplation we are faced with the truth. And that truth is that we have somehow lost ours along the way. We compromise in the name of "cooperation" in relationships, parenting, friendships, working. We give here and there and little by little we sometimes find ourselves living the reality that someone else would have us live rather than our own by nature.
I have, in my life, tried very, very hard to ensure this does not happen. I've walked a tightrope and mostly saved myself from waking up in a panic one morning and not even knowing who the fuck I am and how I got to a place I did not want to be. Mostly. There have been slip-ups along the way. Deviations from my true nature that cost me dearly in terms of time (which none of us have enough of) and the opportunity for true, genuine experience (which none of us have enough of either). I am now at the point in my life where I am too old for any further deviations. Even small ones. My time is limited and I must live it accordingly.
So, I have not answered any of my own fears or questions with this Sunday morning rambling. I'm just still thinking...
And legs, and well, all those other parts we complain about.
I have to give credit to my beautiful friend Saturn Darkhope because it was her Facebook status I copied this from. And to Wild Woman Sisterhood, which is where she shared it from originally.
Because it got me thinking once again about the same old subject so many of us get our minds and souls wrapped up in. That conversation with ourselves ~ you know the one. The one in which we are not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough - oh shit wait it isn't just thin anymore it is STRONG enough (meaning it isn't enough to just be thin, as one blogger said not long ago, now we have to be ripped too), tall enough, sexy enough, smooth enough, perky enough (I speak of breasts not personality), hot enough, blah blah blah blah blah....
As a side note does anyone ever notice that the list of what is not "enough" about us usually doesn't include smart enough? Well, why would it? As a whole if we were smart enough we wouldn't be worried about any of the other "enough" that we worry about.
But alas, I digress....
I think that people mistake quotes like the one above as saying that we should all rebel against weight loss or exercise, being aware of how our bodies look, or the desire to make life changes for weight loss or exercise purposes. It is like some odd backlash - you know, like slut shaming only it is shaming women into the belief that if they are interested in their physical appearance they are just superficial nitwits.
I don't take it like that at all. I think it refers to the excesses we go to in pursuit of perfection, whatever perfection is at the moment. It also refers to the idea in our minds that we are not "enough" right now at our very core. That the essence of us is not worthy so we need to pursue this momentary preference for being ripped yet boob enhanced with lips like Angelina and able to run in four inch heels without breaking a sweat or an ankle.
I feel like there isn't anything wrong with wanting to lose weight or build muscle or, hell, even wanting to look great in a bikini. But you DO have to be able to separate your reality from what your are being sold as universal reality and whatever things you want to make happen once you have separated those "realities" cannot interfere with your choice to like your body NOW. To love your soul NOW. To celebrate your spirit NOW.
I'm not saying that getting exercise and eating good, wholesome food is not necessary. I tend to believe both are an important part of the puzzle of what makes us whole. But you don't need "industries" to do either of those things. Now, you might join a gym because it is easier to utilize than any other option - but, the gym itself doesn't have to make you question whether your like your body in the present. Unless you let your experience there and all the other static that chicks face on a daily basis related to our physical selves find a way in.
So, I think, related to the quote, which I LOVE btw, that we need to pay particular attention to the word "decided" when we read it. Because stuff like this doesn't just happen. Ironically enough, mind shifts are like exercise and diet themselves. They take practice. They take commitment. They take deciding each and every day and sometimes each and every minute to make a choice. So, that would mean that when it occurs to us to dislike any part of ourselves we must not only redirect those thoughts we must work consistently to make sure that it doesn't even occur to us.
Huge mind shift isn't it? A revolution inside our own heads. A quiet revolt against deep rooted negative talk and beliefs. Where can we even begin?
I think that first we have to be aware of the whole reality vs "sold" reality. We have to call it when we see it. We have to tell ourselves what it is whenever it finds a way into our own mind. We have to remind ourselves of our own personal reality often. However you decide to do these things is up to you but it is part of retraining your mind.
Then we have to celebrate ourselves daily. Just as we are. And know that we are part of something bigger and acknowledge that. For instance, I have come up with a morning ritual involving the use of my body and connecting it with the earth and the sky. I learned it in a recent workshop and have put my own spiritual twist on it. It involves thanking the spirit of each direction for their daily gifts and acknowledging the universe within my body (we ARE stardust ya know) and the earth on which we stand. It can be done in a short span of time or a longer one depending on what the morning holds. The point is to ground oneself through gratitude and to use the body to do so. So, basically you are shifting the focus from outside influences to one of thankfulness and the acknowledgment of the truth we are all part of.
And we have to keep doing these things. And keep ignoring "sold" reality. We need to hide it on our Facebook feed and not purchase it in the check-out lane. We need to change the channel. Literally and in our minds because this particular revolution HAS to start from within each of us.
I feel my year of travel has begun! Physical travel, spiritual travel, day travel, long-term travel, fun travel, work travel (sort of), travel to new realms of possibility… Oh, that’s right I am an extra in the next Star Trek.
LOL LOL LOL nawwwwww, wish so but alas, no.
Sam is headed off on a journey of a lifetime for someone with his
particular hobby (photography). Just shy of two weeks in and around Yellowstone National Park. And staying on a dude ranch at
that! And believe me Dear Heathens the ONLY reason I am not turning three circles widdershins and saying “I divorce thee I divorce the I divorce thee” is because he is in charge of scoping out NEXT summer’s adventure which will include a dude ranch and much MUCH more riding than he will be doing.
During this return to single (aka crazy cat lady) life, which will be the SECOND longest time I have been alone in years (refer to blog entries during my Balance Cleanse in the Living Well blog when I was alone for five days this winter) – oh god that sounds pathetic doesn’t it? I don’t mean for it to I LOVE being alone.
Anyway – travel. When he returns we go immediately into Stay-Cation mode for the annual week-long camp trip, then in late July a possible overnighter for me at a conference downstate, the journey to the end of
land (aka the beach) in August, a two day concert trip in September, possibly the Ren Fair in October, more camp weekends scattered throughout all this, November will find us in Florida AND New Orleans, a holiday get-away close to home is planned for Winter Solstice and in January/February someplace warmer for
a week or so….
OH.MY.GODS I need to learn to pack a better suitcase. What can I say. Experience junkie. Admittedly.
And speaking of experience I am wondering about the soul lately. What is it without experience? What is it without fostering hope and intentions of living well? Define "well" you say – I define it as whatever makes you feel alive.
For me it includes working hard and I do mean AT work. I love my job. I mean, sure, sometimes it is stressful and I think we can all agree that people mostly suck but I still love it. Why? Because I like solving
things. Mysteries I call them. Because that sounds better than “stupid people things” even though that is what most of them boil down to. I like getting to the bottom of stuff and sitting down people that can’t
communicate with each other and fostering some sort of agreement. Oh, you say – I thought you worked in parks and recreation! LOL well, I DO! So, at least I get to do these sorts of things while NOT sitting behind a desk pushing paper. Mostly.
So, I like to work hard and I like to play hard. I love to sweat, smell horses, ride, run, jump, twist, turn, I like to
play awful guitar (I’m not very good), read books that disturb the shit out of me, cry, scream in fright at stupid scary movies, laugh, save toads from being run over in our garage, chase crows, dig in the dirt, hike….NOT do the laundry just to be a rebel. LOL.
Life is made for living and living is only for awhile so why not travel through it with ALL of your emotions intact? Least that’s what I think is necessary…
Well, I don’t want to sound like a complete whiner
but I guess if I do so what? It is March 23rdand after being
all happy and proud that I had made it through the entire winter without so much as a sniffle, two days prior to Ostara I got some kind of plague that has run the entire expanse of my head, nose, throat and now chest. Starting out with a severe sore throat and extremely out of the blue exhaustion, moving through congestion, all manner of sinus upset, continued exhaustion, fever, coughing, sneezing, more exhaustion,
wondering whether I am just made of snot and will eventually become the Blob itself, to losing my voice (I am now known simply as “Squeaky” in these here parts) and hacking up stuff resembling, well, again, the Blob.
Hmmppphhhh. I fucking HATE winter.
Really, I try to embrace the seasons. I do. I look toward the inner season with the expectation of growing and getting things worked out in my head, heart and soul. I vow to do the hard stuff and learn from it every year. But this year. Ugggghhh this year SUCKED. For the first time in several winters it seemed like a struggled within myself. It was the spiritual and mundane equivalent of walking in deep snow. You step, you fall through, you drag your other leg forward, you step, you fall through… So, as we got closer to spring and as I started to work toward shedding whatever bad ju-ju has plagued me all winter through spiritual bathing and continued deep inner work I have been really, really excited to meet the light.
And then my body said – uh, scuze me please I think we just need to wait on that celebration for….oh, hell I dunno, maybe a week maybe more…
What? WHAT? Are you kidding me? I have been plodding through the entire season feeling like spiritual and physical crap. I have not been at my best since October for certain, an odd mixture of various body woes some truly physical some just the never ending struggle of maintenance and aging, being unsettled at work, uncertain of spiritual matters, overwhelmed with “I should” thoughts and never getting around to any of them. Life has been lackluster and dull for the most part and I know it isn’t due to anything other than my own outlook. I feel old. I feel bored. I feel like I don’t have a purpose and worse than that I don’t care.
I’ve tried shaking things up. I’ve tried giving things up. I’ve done a self-cleanse, a mini retreat, I’ve searched and contemplated and journaled and meditated and am at the point where I think maybe I should just chalk it up to a bad season and move on…. And NOW you are gonna GET SICK? Really?
OK, well, nothing I can do about that. LOL LOL LOL.
Isn’t that the truth though? Beyond being angry about getting ill or being frustrated that life isn’t as hunky dory as you would like, there is nothing you can do. Except what you CAN do.
So, I have been resting since that seems mainly what my body wants. I was able to take a sick day somewhere in the middle of the week and slept for 21 hours in a 24 hour period. The other days I went to bed at 5 and got up at 6 or 7 so a good 13 or 14 hours otherwise. I took some over the counter meds for a few days to help with symptoms and mostly to be able to breath and swallow but am off those as well, drinking herbal teas, trying to eat whole, drinking water and still just saying fuck it and sleeping whenever I get tired. Today (Saturday) is the first day since last Sunday that I have actually be awake for more than 6 hours at a time so I would say there is progress being made.
I am not sure how soon I will be back to "normal" since normal lately isn't really something I have come to enjoy. Hopefully by April I will at least be looking forward to the season that has begun and get some perspective on the one that has just ended.
Be well and healthy all. It doesn't seem so important until it isn't so....
Well, the Balance Cleanse has been successfully completed. I awoke today to fresh snow, Sam will be home this afternoon and I feel like I have accomplished much in the last week. Some of it was even unexpected and more than I originally planned. I did a day by day little diary in the Living Well blog.
But, overall – WHAT did I learn? What did I end up focusing on more or less than I had planned? What were my successes? What do I need to rethink?
First, my dreams were “off” and I could barely remember them. I am not sure why as I was drinking my favorite dreamy teas and open to them but… Maybe just the change of rooms or the fact that I was meditating every night changed my sleeping habits? I would think it would have been just the opposite and my dreams would only be more vivid and interesting but that ended up not being the case. In any event, dream journaling is a habit for me now so that isn’t going anywhere.
I slept wonderfully though. I don’t think I had fractured sleep any night. I had the dog to contend with – he is a bit of a bed hog. And on the last night the cat decided he wanted to play at 1:00AM. But, for the biggest part of the week I slept like the dead, woke feeling rested and not once did I set an alarm. I woke automatically between 5:30 and 6:00 and felt like it was “time”to start the day. One weekend day I actually slept in. It really is a different feeling to wake when your body wants to. But, I realize THAT hinges on sleeping when your body wants to. Something not many of us are good at.
No TV! Yah! This one was easy. So friggin easy. I did watch TWD on Sunday night but that was it. Gosh it was SO freeing. I almost wonder if the damn thing works anymore. LOL. I guess I’ll find out later today when Sam turns on some loud, annoying basketball game. LOL.
My daily meditation was a success! I totally feel like I could incorporate this into “real” life now. And I believe that I may actually be getting better at it.
Everything more detailed is covered daily in the Living Well blog. What I did not cover there and I find to be MOST important as a reminder to myself and possibly something we all should consider in spending time alone – I was reminded of who I AM.
It is like this – we live with people we love and are surrounded by coworkers and friends almost every single day of our lives. Their energy has an impact on us that we don’t even think about or take into consideration. But it DOES impact us and the way we view and react to the world. I have been told by two professional practitioners at this point that I have a very psychic personality. That personality is very open to the energy of others. It gets bogged down by it. It gets invaded by it. That energy will begin to mute my own energy and change my outlook and actions if I am not careful to manage it. I had never really considered this before being outright told. I knew that I was easily affected by the moods of others AND by crowds and psychic stimulation, lots of noise, etc. I don’t like to be in crowded places or situations where people are running around like ants. It makes me feel drained and overwhelmed. You can see why I am only a fan of cities for brief visits! But, I never considered, daily and then building upon that, the effect of this energy on me and my mental health.
Being alone and experiencing myself for a whole week reminded me that I need to guard my outlook and myself, my moods, my perspective. THIS is the key to contentment and so many other things. If you,
yourself, have your own mental house in order, no one can penetrate that, not even the numbskulls you encounter on a daily basis.
I have an opportunity not often available to me in my line of work and life right now. That is I have a great deal of "down time" coming up, amounting to about a week and thought it would be a glorious time to cap off the inner season with some serious thought, journaling and work. I came up with the idea of a Balance Cleanse because it became apparent to me during a recent astrological consult that my suspicions about where balance is needed in my life are right on. I know myself quite well, despite my specific propensity for hiding truth behind great stories and a somewhat self-deceptive nature LOL. I have learned to manage this trait quite well in my life, sometimes to the point of fault, actually. I also decided to undertake the experience because, frankly, I have not been feeling well for some time now, probably since the holidays. One nagging physical ailment after another that I have kept chalking up to training, tweeking, not stretching enough, just getting old LOL...
This all came to a head this week though when my back continually would become so stiff and tight that after sitting for even a brief time it took me standing in slow motion to be able to straighten my spine and walk correctly. Thankfully I had fashioned that stand-up desk at work so much of my week has been spent there.
But, to digress a bit for purposes of clarification - I rate back pain with a pretty big stick. I've had multiple ruptured discs and a surgery already so when I say my back hurts....well, it probably hurts worse than average. The pain has now radiated elsewhere and beyond that, my muscles seem to be simply spent from the mere act of carrying a laundry basket up the stars. This.Is.Annoying. So, I have a doctor's appointment scheduled but I hold out little hope for our Westernized medical community anyway and figure some self healing can't hurt.
The physical ailments are also a real bother because I actually recently decided that the physical manifestation of me needed a break from the front seat of my waking hours. So, having done that, I get all kinds of physical issues popping up. LOL. But, I have also done some creative self care and exploration this season. A caffeine detox, joining an herbal group, astrological consult. The detox was successful, the herbal group is a blast and the consult revealed loads of useful information.
And in that information is still the need for balance, despite these aches and pains. Balance between mind, body, spirit and self care. Having deemed 2013 the Year of Loving Thyself, LOL, I forge ahead. So, the BC includes:
1. Daily Meditation - doesn't matter how long or short but at some point during the day, the lights go out, a quiet spot is found and I meditate. I sometimes meditate with just music but for this cleanse I decided on guided meds - using a combination of the old Meditation Oasis app stuff as well as a couple of new ones I found recently. My new favorite turns out to be one called - Love Your Body, Love Yourself. It is around 40 minutes long.
2. No TV. This very much pains me for the Walking Dead is to premier! LOL. So, I will allow myself that one guilty pleasure, no, I mean oxygen-like substance, but other than Sunday night I'll suck it up and watch no tube during this time period. I am not one of those people who is against TV. I just want it to be as if I was really somewhere else, at a retreat of sorts...
3. To further foster this - I changed my perspective at home. I took up residence in our guest room. The dog and black cat have taken up residence with me. Actually THEY have taken up the whole bed. But, it is a lovely little cozy room without a TV and a queen sized bed where I can read, write, and have a slumber party with them so long as I secure my space before they sprawl. Again, I wanted to break out of routine and while our bedroom is easily my favorite room in the house, I just needed to change my perspective. Besides, the 3D Smart TV is just too much temptation.
4. I'm taking a whole week off from any sort of structured physical exercise. Instead - muck, walk the dog if the weather allows, yoga & stretching and I may take a trail run if the mood strikes me and it is warm enough, which it actually is supposed to be at some point. I do think my body needs a break and perhaps the current nagging injuries are proof of that.
5. Dream Journal is at hand for writing upon waking.
6. Modified meals and food prep - this is always my struggle as I am SO lazy about fixing food. Like, SO lazy. Unbelievably lazy. Sam fixes a lot of great and good for you food but I feel like my body deserves to depend on me and not the kindness of my mate. LOL. Like, I should take care of her in other ways than strictly training, right? So, since the Farmer's Market is just around the corner I am concentrating on working my way into the season with more fruit, salads, getting my hands dirty so to speak with baking bread and actually prepping, er, real food. Yah JERF. This is a continual struggle for me as it is for many.
This is my Big At-Home Retreat and I am posting the daily diary of sorts in the Wellness Blog so read on! If you are new to the site - go to the Living Well tab and the Blog is in the pulldown menu.
I have come to the point where I have extra time. I should be happy about this! We all feel we need more time, right? This is a good thing don't get me wrong. But it leaves me (and I feel others that have experienced it) a little off balance. We tend to want to fill that time with stuff, thereby eventually making ourselves once again short on time. Why is this?
For me it is probably because I am afraid to slow down due to the real possibility that I will just....stop. Stop shaving my legs, stop washing my hair, stop doing the dishes and eventually stop even getting out of bed and I will then become that crazy cat lady that Sam teases me about. LOL.
This is a deep rooted psychological thing for me. As a kid I was always told I didn't try hard enough, was too dreamy, I was possibly lazy and basically wasn't going to amount to much. I'm not saying this for a sympathy factor it is just reality. So, what I am getting at is that these are beliefs that stay with us and also often shape our actions and reactions.
This extra time I have is a marker of freedom for me. I am changing a lot of things about my life and the way I live it this year. I have flirted with this before but always ended up getting sidetracked and then eventually returned to the same, well traveled road that I am used to. This time, I have taken measures to ensure it doesn't happen. Many of them are a bit painful mentally. For instance, I just deleted an entire two year, very detailed account of my physical journey in an on-line community. Why? Because it was the only way I could truly be free for the other parts of myself to blossom.
And so since my physical self is taking a back seat, or at least a more appropriate place, I have all this additional time that was once spent in that community and others. What in the world is a girl to do? LOL.
Well, I have been sleeping more for sure. And cooking more. And of course working on this website more. I have been writing and Sam and I have done some hiking. And I am really trying to NOT fill this extra time with any set routine so that it will remain "free" time that I can do with whatever I want on any given day.
Too much static. That is life lately. Too much to do, see, read, too much contact, too much stuff, too much...nothing. Makes me paralyzed. That is how I have been feeling in relation to my own self. My true self. The person I know that I am. I feel like I am stuck in this rut of "I will get to that" and "I mean to" and "next week I will"... And although I have had very productive days at work AND at home lately I still feel like a little mouse running on her wheel. And I wonder if the wheel has a damn thing to offer anymore except that it is the same kind of wheel I have always been on. Maybe it is newer than the last one, or a different color but still, same process, same wheel more or less.
This is not about work, or quitting your job and hiking across Australia or anything like that so don't get excited. LOL. It is more personal than that.
And more small. It is about one small part of me that has been a very big part of my life and I am coming to see it as less important, although still needed. More of just a cog in my wheel, less of the wheel that my world spins around. This is good. It is that recent post about the physical aspect of ourselves that I am working with. My body and soul are good with my plan. It is my mind
that lags behind, tied to old patterns. It is my mind that needs something else to do so that she will let go.
Having just returned from travel, which always tends to inspire me in one way or another and this was no different, I do generally take stock of emotions, feelings and where I am. One thing is for certain. I need to take FULL advantage of everything the inner season has to offer. This little mouse has a mind wheel that is spinning too fast, too much, too far away from what makes me feel at peace. I need to get off. My mind, needs to get off this particular wheel and be a productive portion of the person I am.
My study book arrived while I was gone. My fun book as well. The leaves are falling at an amazing and colorful rate. The ponies are getting fuzz and the air is crisp. A perfect time to redefine priorities and immediate futures. I plan to slow down, step off the treadmill of crazy and take full advantage of the season.