Sam and I were talking the other day about life transitions, responsibility, careers and that sort of thing and at one point got around to discussing how people do or don't have a plan.
I said very clearly - I absolutely have always had a plan. It involved being on the very cusp of recognition and success without ever really having to "go there". It protected me from the inevitable pressure of societal expectations and allowed me to spend time inside my head and not give up my "freedom" of time, space, expression, anonymity. I took great pains to protect my plan and carry it out. And now my plan has gone up in smoke and I'm standing here thinking about how all this involvement and recognition and expectation is every damn thing I always knew it was cracked up to be. LOL.
(See prior entries on Fear and Imposter Syndrome for background).
I'm sure many people do not understand this sort of thinking at all. Hell, sometimes I don't either. But, it is apparently in my make-up and has served me well on many levels throughout my life, while, admittedly on others probably not so much so.
I feel like the "problem" is that I become a victim of my own capabilities. LOL. You know how you might experience a mentor or a coach or even a parent or partner telling you that you are capable of so much more than you are putting into something? Hell, maybe you even say that to your own kids or partner. Well, I just lived up to my capabilities one (or a few?) too many times and when I turned around to grab my magic invisibility cloak someone had stolen it and now I am standing there with people expecting things of me. ME????? And I think ugggghhhhhh I don't even like to go out my house most days except to muck a stall and take my dog to potty what could you possibly expect of ME? It is comical really.
I guess I take comfort in the fact that despite being dragged into some matters of this new phase of life reluctantly I am generally not a "half-asser" once the decision to pursue said matters is made. So, it is an experiment for me right now to forge ahead and see whether I can be successful at it while maintaining enough of myself so as to not feel that I have lost my freedom. It is a limited time frame, most of this, by the manner in which it has been set up so there is time to evaluate, reflect, decide.