I am, admittedly, a generally angry person. I would venture to say that some of this is learned but a large part of it is just who I am. That is to say, I cannot ever remember a time, even as a very young child, in which I was not at least somewhat driven by this smoldering inside me that I was only able to identify later as inner anger.
Now, granted, I don't remember much of childhood before venturing out into the world of Kindergarten so maybe I was just extremely sheltered and my immediate experiences, giving me fast confirmation that there were SO MANY things to be angry about, simply stoked a fire inside that could not be extinguished. Most of my anger stemmed from interactions with people. The kids that picked on me, the teacher that had favorites (of which I was never one), my parents for not somehow knowing automatically what daily hell my life was at school, my mom for making me move away from my dog in second grade, the ignorant preacher at church, my babysitter's daughter that beat me up everyday after school. Even though I was constantly angry I kept my mouth shut (mom's favorite saying was children are to be seen, not heard) and my anger smoldered. With nowhere to go I guess it seeped into my soul, little by little, and became a big part of who I am.
So, in today's world of peace, love and letting go, my anger seems to have no place to call home. I'm viewed as a prickly sort of person. I keep to myself most times and I don't go out of my way to be angry, but if I believe I have the high ground on an issue, you can bet I'm angry. And I might walk away but I'll never forget. Oh, and don't even say that forgiveness word because it isn't in my vocabulary. Telling me to forgive, of course, just makes me angry. Don't tell me to "let it go" dammit. Can't you see there is shit wrong in this world? There are things to be angry about. There are things to DO SOMETHING about.
For a long time I have tried to DO SOMETHING about my anger. I HAVE tried letting go, I've even tried forgiveness. I've tried meditating, ignoring, self-help, self-love, distraction, volunteering, co-existing... I'm still angry and even moreso I'm angry that I've spent so much time trying to rid myself of anger. It seems like a bit of a waste to me at this point, given the very act of letting anger go makes me so goddamn angry. LOL.
There is also the theory of habits and thoughts that serve us and I've asked myself how does anger serve me and does that have anything to do with not being able to let it go? Is the fact that I'm seen a prickly and somewhat standoffish serving me in some way? Well, of course it is. It is like a horse laying her ears back or lifting a hind foot as if to say - come closer and I'll kick the shit out of you. But, still, even admitting that anger serves me doesn't begin to give me significant pause. It isn't a "light bulb moment" type exercise is what I'm saying.
I am doing this 30 day yoga camp thing this month. So one of the mental exercises was a whole thought process on acceptance. A brainstorming session on acceptance. I accept....(fill in thoughts here). So, yesterday the thought that came to me was I accept the past. And this morning ~ I accept my anger.
I accept you anger. Everyday, I accept that you are a part of me that is never leaving. I accept that we'll have coffee together and that we'll sleep with each other and that sometimes you will accompany me even in my dream worlds. I accept that there are things about you that frighten me. I accept that there are things about you that serve me. I accept that you sometimes protect me, that you sometimes are the source of my regret. I accept that I cannot rid myself of you, cannot simply let you go. I accept that sometimes you are the very thing that fosters change in my life and in my world and for that, I am grateful to you.
Liberation from attempts to be someone I am not. Today, it all started over coffee with my soul mate Anger.