Fear

I came across a post from two years ago about fear.  Actually, it was written almost exactly two years ago.  I had just picked out a horse (later to be known as Takoda) and was embarking into unknown territory (horse ownership) and pretty much scared shitless about the whole thing.

It is odd, the fear thing.  Two years later and I am in a different life, in a different home, I'm on my own and I'm contemplating purchasing a farm and eventually opening up a sanctuary and also a small horse boarding operation.  Compared to all of this the whole buying an unregistered Quarter Horse for 800 bucks seems, well, a little silly as a huge fearful moment. 

So, hello Fear, how ya been anyway? 

Actually, FEAR has never been far from my side for these past two years.  I said in the old post that it was one of my daily companions and it always will be.  I just have to manage the impact it has on my life and decisions. 

For instance, I have a stressful job.  I know, many of us do but it does weigh on me, being the person ultimately responsible for a good deal of sh8t and people.  I never really wanted it - SEE UNDERACHIEVER POST and the weight of it is one of the things that you can't really explain.  You just have to jump into it knowing that it shouldn't be this way (I mean, I'm not a damn brain surgeon after all, I'd expect THAT to be stressful) but due to the way of our current world, politics, funding, etc. it simply is.  I think stress is a result of fear and the weight of whatever responsibilities we have in our lives, so it makes sense to me that I wake up at 3:00AM, my little brain tick, tick, ticking and once she starts, there is no stopping her.

So, back to fear.  I talked a lot in my first post about how my mind works into and through fear, how irrational my fears sometimes are, etc.  But, this is LIBERATION BLOG so one of the points of it is to put that which we want to be liberated from on paper (figuratively - or you could do so literally if that gives you more of a sense of control) and move toward removing its control from your life as much as possible.

  For instance, certain things about my initial move to my place, why I picked it, why I made certain decisions about what I was going to do to it were very much a result of two things.  1.  Fear (of course).  2.  Subconsciously knowing that I would not be here for good.  Now, the fear part was of course quite predictable.  I acknowledge that I'm a fearful person, so I made a choice that I felt held less opportunity for things that I'm afraid of to happen.  I picked a very simple house with a small yard that I felt I could manage.  It was close to the barn and my work.  There were people paid to take care of the big hill that I live on in the winter.  The neighbors were a little closer than I would have liked but I have lots of trees to shelter that...even as I go through these things in my head I now know that I was bargaining with my fear.  Fear of taking on too much and failing, fear of overextending my skill set, FEAR OF - ding, ding, ding!!!! this is key ~ FEAR OF PURSUING MY REAL DREAMS IN LIFE.  Because living in a sub-division with an HOA is not my dream and never has been.  I'm not judging it, it just isn't for me, anymore than living in town on a city street (which were my two other options when I was looking, hence my choice of places). 

So, here is where the subconscious thing comes in.  Almost immediately I made a list of things that needed done.  I thought I was making it because I wanted to make my home my own, and to a certain extent, I did.  But, once I got to a certain point, I stopped.  I just stopped.  It wasn't because I ran out of steam or money, I just was unable to bring myself to feel like doing anymore.  In analyzing it, I did everything that needed done to make the place more sellable.  And then, my soul said - I'm done now.  And as soon as she said that, a series of events happened (I got the news about the utility board building the reservoir where we trail ride, things started to be let go at the barn to the point where I am questioning safety, I got the opportunity to attend the Farm Sanctuary conference) and my soul started to dream.

She started to dream because she decided to rejoin my life, despite having ignored her for so many years.  She started to dream because she is MY soul after all and she has always been a dreamer.  She also started to dream because it was time.  More than anything, I believe it was just time. 

Time is the factor in fear that I had not yet considered.  Actually, I had never considered it as having any impact on fear at all.  While fear must be dealt with by taking small steps, owning it, possibly easing one’s way into the thing we fear and even sometimes gritting our teeth and just getting something done despite fear, TIME is sometimes the component that is needed to tip the scale into the favor of the future fearless. 
I’m talking time in the sense of there is a time for everything and now is not the time sort of way.  As we grow and change (and hopefully we all do so continually), time is the factor that is always in the background. 

Timing is the unspoken key to many of life’s successes (and failures) and timing is relevant to fear in a way that I have never given credit to until now.

So, Fear, it is time.  It is time to move on in spite of you.  I know this worries you, I mean, you ARE worry.  You are worry and denial.  You are bargaining and doubt.  You are no comfort and you are the face of cowardice.  You are the reason that I am going through the motions of the means with no clear end in sight.  You are the rank breath that blows out the candle of my dreams and the cold, sticky hand that holds me right where I am.  Right where you want me to believe I belong.

I don’t belong here.  I don’t belong in a life that passes me by while I stare out the windows that you have shut.  I don’t belong with you, sniveling and hiding from the heartbeat of this earth.  I’m tired of the dungeon of everyday mass normalcy and the obligation of settling.

I don’t belong here.  I won’t be back.