You know, I wasn't even going to write this post because somehow it felt like a bit of wallowing in the mood I've found myself in for the past week. But then someone said something that struck me in that way that snaps me back to wait a minute, this is my immediate world's problem, not mine (thanks Arrow).
That was, very loosely quoted, don't ever hesitate to insist on what you want from yourself, the people in your life, your world...
I thought about that for a long time. Afterwards I changed my responses to some of the people who have been really, really, getting on the last "love and light" nerve in my being. These people will never, ever change. They simply do not have the capacity for said change in them. To explain a bit more - so, ever since I was a little child I have had this knack for figuring out people's motivations. Like, why they are how they are, do the things they do. It is not so much predicting behavior but predicting their being so to speak. I am an observer of people mostly, not because I find them fascinating but because I find them (in general) either dangerous, hurtful or just extremely annoying. So, I have to figure them out to combat any and/or all of these things. I also can tell almost immediately when I meet a kindred sort of soul or when there just isn't much deeper than what is on the surface. And so I have boxes that I only open for my soul kin, I speak in different ways and about different things and in longer trains of thought. If someone is a "surface person" I keep my verbal trains of thought short and about surface type things. It is interesting to me (in that extremely annoying way above) when someone's eyes glaze over or they drift off to what-the-fuck ever land they go to when their mind is blanking out or worse yet, can't pick their head up from their damn phone while you are talking.
Anyway, I'm surrounded by a great number of surface people, professionally, personally... So I realize now I have to further change not only how I communicate with them, but how much time I invest in that communication and my relationship with them. When something becomes either painful or just generally rude to me and my deepest commitments and beliefs, I have to either liberate myself from it entirely or if that is not possible, liberate myself from most of the ways it impacts my inner space, my own being.
Changing my manner of response and how much I "give" is my way of insisting on what I want, which is basically, if you are not capable of depth, I can accept that to an extent, but at the moment you cross the line into being personally rude, I will insist that you...basically keep your dumbass opinions to yourself.
Is it still a lonely sort of immediate reality? Sure. But as another friend (thanks Violet) said - we are all alone in a sense as that is the nature of the Path... This is most true and possibly, it occurred to me, one of the reasons that I developed my sense of people in the first place. It came about so as for me to not waste my time on things (and people) that cannot be. It is my job as a witch (and I fail at it sometimes) to be able to distinguish this stuff and to make a conscious choice about how much to give (information, time, effort) and where to draw lines. If I want to liberated from being hurt by the lack of "getting it" that surrounds me then it is my job to liberate myself, not the job of those who can't even see any deeper than a Facebook meme or whatever effed up thing they learned from aunt Sally Jo in the first grade.
More than that - my community is what I make it. Because what I needed this very difficult week was to be surrounded by magic and support. And thanks to all my friends from afar, I have been. Blessings to you.