Sundays are different for me now. It is still a little bit weird to not get up with my almost 10 year check-list of "coffee, a run, yoga, get dressed, head to barn...."
Those activities alone would take me up to well past Noon. Sunday mornings I went to church religiously. It was just that my church involved different activities and worship than most people's.
I'm a bit off but still, I have not filled those hours with activity. I have held off on diving into "new" things in order to make the old things forgotten, to make my time pass quickly through the period that my heart aches for, to "heal" stuff in a hurried manner so I can just.move.on.
It isn't that I want to wallow in self pity or pout. It is just that I can't move right now. I'm like the horse above, looking outwardly at something and not even to the point of truly figuring out how to get there. I'm still watching it all like a movie really. I know the stages of loss and even though this was not a true death it was a death of a time for me. An ending of a huge portion of a way of life that I had been a part of for quite some time (and actually could have continued to be a part of indefinitely although it would have been detrimental on SO many levels).
So, it was by choice that I am here and it must be by choice that I make my way back to....something. In this new year it is completely up to me to reflect, measure, take stock, move forward. I just have to step away from the window and search for the door.