...and as I am sitting here typing this, on a Sunday morning, watching snow fall silently just outside the window, the only sounds being the soft blowing of our house's furnace and the click of the keys...I am hollow.
Hollow from sadness, from longing, from the ever expanding knowledge that there are things well out of my control in my own life and in the world and that those things are vast.
They are expansive and invasive to the heart and soul and most notably, to the mind on a daily basis. How do we go on about our productive business with such knowledge? How do I? How does anyone?
I get very confused in my life as a whole versus my life as a professional because during all hours of my existence as a leader, (whether I ever intended to be one or not and believe me as I child when I dreamed of living in Africa with my lion I did not LOL), I am paid as well as expected to control things. Yes, control things, people, direct movement, make decisions. Make it work is the phrase I am often handed. Well, to that I can damn well say yes sir and then get.shit.done.
So, when we are told by our spiritual Masters, our Yogi, our Totems or even our very deep Soul-Selves - let go....we, or at least I, have a really hard time with the concept. I even practice saying it myself when I am describing things to Sam or trusted friends. "I just need to let go" I will say and they will nod in agreement, none of us having a true clue what that actually entails. I mean, let go? Really? It is painful, and for me, completely counterintuitive.
And I think there is this knowledge that once you truly let go there is no going back. Whether back was "good" or "bad" doesn't even matter. Whether back was a situation that caused you pain or confusion or sadness - letting go means that even the parts that did not cause you these things are no more. Letting go means a release of control and I think that even if a situation a person is trying to control is not going well, there is a sense of the level of fight left in you. You measure yourself by it. You compete with it. It gives you comfort on some level that you are not giving up, letting down, losing the fight.
I don't know about others but I was taught at a very young age that you didn't do those things - give up, let down... You just didn't quit, dammit. This deeply ingrained behavior is not very compatible with letting go.
So, I have no real answer for this feeling or these realizations. I just sit and watch snowflakes drift to the ground and they seem really free to me. They seem like they are not struggling to hold on to anything despite the fact that it is just warm enough that most of them will melt away when they land.