Having been sick for the past two weeks – my long saga of a cold ended up with bronchitis, a secondary sinus infection and required the help of that pesky Western medicine thing to kick – I totally missed one of my favorite holidays, Ostara. What can I say, when I do get sick, I get sick BIG.
But, all is not lost because as fate would have it, the last two weeks here SUCKED anyway. LOL. It didn’t feel much like Spring. It snowed every day, further proving the point that March can indeed both come in AND go out like a lion. So, you know, it really was no big, except for the sick part, to spend the holiday in bed and/or in a zombified state.
But today, ohhhhhhhhh, today Spring is here! The sun is shining, the birds are singing and there is a little bit of magic in the air. Last night we built our very first little bonfire of the season. We sat around outside and tipped back some good beer and had a regular Friday night. I do love me some renewal of the Earth, as everyone knows, and Spring is just a special little guy to me. So messy and untidy and unruly.
Spring is like my black cat. You know, he can be beautiful. And then he goes tearing through the house like a mad banshee, or trying to climb the wall, or jumping up my leg (yes, the cat jumps UP my leg like a little kid that is begging to be picked up because I made the mistake of carrying him around like a baby when he
was a kitten).
Oh but it was SO cute you know I'd flip him over and carry him like a baby and he'd "help" me with taking the laundry from washer to dryer and when we watched TV I'd lay him on my lap and run his lil' belly.... Oh he was adorable!
And now….he weighs 17 pounds. But, to me he is just like Spring. An unruly little crazed, lovable demon that you just cannot keep contained. He is always into something and normally it is something he shouldn’t
be. He rests when he wants, he plays when he wants and he really isn’t on anyone’s schedule but his own.
And spirit. Spring is about spirit. Plain and simple. It is muddy and messy and wet and sloppy and it ain't always pretty to look at and then....you see that ONE flower. Or that little bird's nest full of blue eggs. You finally feel the sun warming you as you sit behind the windshield of your car in traffic. You smell
that wet, rotting, growing smell of leftover leaves from the fall mixed with cool rain and frost. That is life under there. Changing and clawing and creeping upward ever so slowly. You can't hold back Spring. You gotta just pick it up and rub that belly!
Well, I don’t want to sound like a complete whiner
but I guess if I do so what? It is March 23rdand after being
all happy and proud that I had made it through the entire winter without so much as a sniffle, two days prior to Ostara I got some kind of plague that has run the entire expanse of my head, nose, throat and now chest. Starting out with a severe sore throat and extremely out of the blue exhaustion, moving through congestion, all manner of sinus upset, continued exhaustion, fever, coughing, sneezing, more exhaustion,
wondering whether I am just made of snot and will eventually become the Blob itself, to losing my voice (I am now known simply as “Squeaky” in these here parts) and hacking up stuff resembling, well, again, the Blob.
Hmmppphhhh. I fucking HATE winter.
Really, I try to embrace the seasons. I do. I look toward the inner season with the expectation of growing and getting things worked out in my head, heart and soul. I vow to do the hard stuff and learn from it every year. But this year. Ugggghhh this year SUCKED. For the first time in several winters it seemed like a struggled within myself. It was the spiritual and mundane equivalent of walking in deep snow. You step, you fall through, you drag your other leg forward, you step, you fall through… So, as we got closer to spring and as I started to work toward shedding whatever bad ju-ju has plagued me all winter through spiritual bathing and continued deep inner work I have been really, really excited to meet the light.
And then my body said – uh, scuze me please I think we just need to wait on that celebration for….oh, hell I dunno, maybe a week maybe more…
What? WHAT? Are you kidding me? I have been plodding through the entire season feeling like spiritual and physical crap. I have not been at my best since October for certain, an odd mixture of various body woes some truly physical some just the never ending struggle of maintenance and aging, being unsettled at work, uncertain of spiritual matters, overwhelmed with “I should” thoughts and never getting around to any of them. Life has been lackluster and dull for the most part and I know it isn’t due to anything other than my own outlook. I feel old. I feel bored. I feel like I don’t have a purpose and worse than that I don’t care.
I’ve tried shaking things up. I’ve tried giving things up. I’ve done a self-cleanse, a mini retreat, I’ve searched and contemplated and journaled and meditated and am at the point where I think maybe I should just chalk it up to a bad season and move on…. And NOW you are gonna GET SICK? Really?
OK, well, nothing I can do about that. LOL LOL LOL.
Isn’t that the truth though? Beyond being angry about getting ill or being frustrated that life isn’t as hunky dory as you would like, there is nothing you can do. Except what you CAN do.
So, I have been resting since that seems mainly what my body wants. I was able to take a sick day somewhere in the middle of the week and slept for 21 hours in a 24 hour period. The other days I went to bed at 5 and got up at 6 or 7 so a good 13 or 14 hours otherwise. I took some over the counter meds for a few days to help with symptoms and mostly to be able to breath and swallow but am off those as well, drinking herbal teas, trying to eat whole, drinking water and still just saying fuck it and sleeping whenever I get tired. Today (Saturday) is the first day since last Sunday that I have actually be awake for more than 6 hours at a time so I would say there is progress being made.
I am not sure how soon I will be back to "normal" since normal lately isn't really something I have come to enjoy. Hopefully by April I will at least be looking forward to the season that has begun and get some perspective on the one that has just ended.
Be well and healthy all. It doesn't seem so important until it isn't so....
Only better. I was recently treated to a medical verification of a suspected shift in my being. That is I am now, officially, a Crone. It is odd to me, we humans and how knowing something in your own mind brings you relief and a certain level of comfort but knowing something supported now by blood tests and other standardized medical means can bring peace, acceptance and in my case, planned formal celebration. LOL.
I could be odd I suppose. Well, OK, that's a given. But this phase of my life is such a welcome one. I can't even begin to describe the freedom I feel and it has nothing to do with any sort of freedom of the physical sort. Oh, no, it is much, much deeper. Much more complex. Much more interesting. Just like the Crone herself.
I have always always always been fascinated with the Crone. The old wise woman. The witch who lives in the mountains. Why have I always been fascinated with her? Because she knows things. Because she keeps secrets, her color is black, she walks in the darkness and sees all, she is harsh, yet she is kind, she is fair, yet her wrath is sure, she is deeply moving and connected and she is so close to the veil. She is callused and worn but strong as iron. I am fascinated with her because her time for proving herself is past. She IS proof. There is a freedom in that like no other.
To me this isn't about giving up, slowing down or letting go. It is about embracing it. ALL OF IT. Life and every lesson learned. Experience and every gift it has given. Purpose, meaning, knowledge, truth - all these are the spirit of the Crone.
And so I go forth armed with everything that is now in the past. In celebration of everything that has been and what will be. It seems very right to me and most comfortable. It seems like a home that has been waiting for me. And now, I have arrived there.