A letter to myself on a bad day...
Dear Me: I know today you are feeling bad. Everything pretty much sucks. It is either raining or you are tired or you just don't feel anything at all. Maybe you didn't get enough sleep. Maybe you have to do something today at work that you know is going to be difficult. Maybe it isn't going to be difficult it is simply going to be drudgery. Maybe your clothes don't look right or your body doesn't look right or your hair is being unruly. Maybe the dog shit in your flower bed. Maybe you are questioning whether anything really matters for various reasons and you just can't muster even a smile because if things really don't matter then what is the point? Maybe you logged into your favorite spot and something pissed you off immediately. Maybe you talked to someone and that conversation did the same. Maybe you are tired of stupid people, needy people, people who don't understand. Maybe you are spiritually lonely or have lost your belief in magic at this moment. Maybe there is absolutely no reason on earth for you to feel like you are feeling but you do anyway and maybe trying to figure out why is impossible.
Or maybe it IS possible but you can't share what is at the root of your feelings because anyone you were to share it with would think you mad. Or ungrateful. Or simply ridiculous. Maybe they wouldn't understand at all or would understand all too well and maybe that is just too much to even think about. Or care about. I understand this is frustrating. I know that you feel alone and that even if you aren't alone sharing would not make you feel better. I know you have to walk this road and take it where it needs to go and not where it will naturally lead. I know this is hard almost every day.
But, I also know you will do it. Because above all it is simply what you do. You have done it since you were seven and you will do it until you are 107. You put your feet on the floor and then one in front of the other and go about the tasks of living. And even if you can't do them with a smile you do them anyway. Because that is what you do. You get up, you work and you go on.
And eventually there will be a gem of a day in which you turn a corner and have hope again. A day that you possibly even have belief. It will be quite natural for you to once again turn your face toward the sky, see the stars and know, just know that there is magic in the world. Just know that things matter and that there really is a point and that you really do have a purpose.
That day. Is just not today. But it might be tomorrow or the next day so again, just do what you do. Be productive even if you don't believe it will help. Move even if you don't feel like it. Show something that you have love in your soul even if it is only the spider you saved from the cat this morning. Just do what you do, keep plugging along and that day will come.