January 26th ~ Unfortunately I am working this weekend so movie options are out but I do plan to see Hansel and Gretel as soon as I can. And I'm asking, please, for the love of all that is good and properly entertaining in the world can we agree to NOT get the f*cking panties in a twitch about the "witch hunting" and just enjoy the movie? Please? That is all.
So, I finally made it to see Hansel and Gretel today. A blessed afternoon off in some otherwise busy schedule. Did some pub crawling and then hit the theater for some needed escapism. My favorite past-time. Escapism that is...
So, my review. ***Kinda Spoilers Ahead***
This movie was dumb. LOL LOL LOL. And my review has NOTHING to do with the whole witch hunting thing. It just was, well, predictable, sort of boring honestly and visually mediocre (aside from the fact that Jeremy Renner was hot, but that isn't anything new). And I have an issue with people losing their Old World accents after the first fifteen minutes of a film. And couldn't we have been more creative instead of just droppin' the F bomb a lot? I mean, I have a sailor's mouth myself but it just seemed to be lazy writing to me. And lack of creativity in general. Hansel having some sort of magical candy induced diabetes ? Lame. The fact that they were witches. Er, yeah, Scene 1. Figured it. The fact that the lovely strawberry blonde was also one. Yeah, really? The fact that she was gonna die? OF COURSE she was. Uggghhhh. The whole thing was annoying the more I think about it. Even seeing Renner in leather was barely worth it.
And I LOVE bad movies! LOL. I mean, in general I like me some guy movies and some shit exploding (even if it is witches) and well, you would think with the horses and the swords and the magic...
I dunno. Maybe I am having an off day. It IS 11 degrees here and I'm sort of grumpy anyway but the thought occurred to me while driving home that I really could not care less about seeing another movie at the theater until Star Trek comes out in May. I have a 3D Smart TV at home and I could have waited for this one easily and then fallen asleep before finishing it on the first try.
But that Star Trek trailer during previews....oh baby...take me Into Darkness and help me forget shit like this.
I hate gangster movies. Have I said that before? Well, if not, please know that I hate gangster movies. The reasons why are plentiful but mostly revolve around the fact that I grew up around gangsters. Not real gangsters mind you. But, the type. I grew up in a very small, rural, predominately Italian, Catholic town. I was neither.
I am a mix of – let us see….I’m Irish due to migration from England with a good dose of German thrown in there so they say. For this reason Sam believes me to be a true gypsy. I tend to agree, but that is another whole thought process… They also say there is a splash of Native American somewhere. Possibly. Something I found
really cool as a child. But I admit to being basically a mutt. You may think I digress but it is pivotal to my review.
So, gangster movies remind me of every asshole I grew up with. Basically it is that simple. Every jerk off that picked on me, thought they were better, got to eat the little vanilla wafer looking thing on Sunday and be in on the big Secret that I was not. Yup, gangsters.
Gangsters are thugs. They are bullies. And mostly they are not very smart. Evident in the movie there was a point when Sean Penn’s character referred to a fork and the fact that he was happy there was only one because he didn’t have to know which one to use. Now, I am not an overly cultured person – LOL – I depend on Sam to tell me where to put the silver for parties. But, in combination with the rest of the film that comment simply said to me – stupid, bully with a gun. Pleeeaaassseeee someone shoot this fucker
Gangsters don’t care about much of anything but themselves and I am not sure what makes that villain different from villains that I do enjoy watching, like, I dunno, possessive demons or seekers of the One Ring, but gangsters make me angry from the moment I sit down in my seat to the moment that they hopefully, just die. Yet the thing that I hate most about gangster movies is that even if that happens I don't feel better. Because I know deep down there is always another gangster out there. Always.
I suppose most of my reviews have a personal bias. LOL. That is what makes them MY reviews. So, if you aren’t a fan of gangster movies in general, this isn’t a movie like The Departed for instance, that will surprise you and make you forget it is basically a gangster movie. But, this movie is about some guys who are different and do, in their own way, stand up to bullies. And I suppose that what it might be about is what some gangster movies are about. Justice in odd forms. And I admit Ryan Gosling was adorable. And I dug the way Emma Stone (and any other female seen at a glance as it was mostly a male cast) actually looked, you know, like girls. Yum. And an unexpected surprise with Michael Pena. Love him. So, as a gangster movie, not bad. But, still. A gangster movie.
Escaping reality - one movie, book, fantasy at a time :)