Here I thought I coined something really cool the other day when I blurted out that phrase. LOL, turns out it is an ACTUAL syndrome! So, my armchair psychology aside, I am currently, personally miffed at the existence of this line of thinking and I guess somewhat amazed that it is still soooooo prevalent in our society.
Long story short, KISAS (lol I also just realized that the acronym is kiss ass, which seems hilariously fitting), is basically the underlying belief that if one finds a man, the right man, the perfect man, he will love you and take care of you. You know, solve all your problems, come to your rescue each and every day in each and every way, defend your honor and quite possibly be really hot (if you are gonna believe all the hype why not add this) forever and you will live happily ever after in a state of lust (because that happens in reality, right?) just staring dreamily into each other's eyes forever (did I say forever enough times?).
I will now allow a brief pause in this rant for all those that need to go vomit to do so.
Wipe your chins.
OK, vomiting aside, let us discuss this perplexing phenom a little. See, as a feminist I can see where it stems from. Hell, as a rebellious female creature (is that a piss-poor way of describing a feminist?) I can see where it comes from. We are a society that simply does not play “catch up” with reality well. Nor do we change our base-line thought patterns, which are of course rooted in eons of actual history, social structure, and “tradition” that tends to infiltrate every fiber of what we learn, retain and pass on.
I mean, I get the “tradition mechanics” sort of. I guess. I don’t know though – it is like saying that stuff worked SO WELL before we got to vote. Some traditional beliefs should actually be shed but many people seem so unwilling to let go of them.
So, what I don’t get, because we could argue “equality” all day and really, I think this syndrome comes from a different place… What I don’t get is the underlying want for someone else (a man) to swoop in and save you. In every way, everyday, forever (there is that word again). I feel like it give us (women) a bad name. I’m all for partnership and in a true one, each party spends time propping the other one up. We all have bad days, weeks, whatever. We all struggle. It is silly to thing that in a partnership one won’t need a “hero” once in awhile. I’d like to think that women can be heroes too.
But in KISAS, the hero is the man. Always the man. Did we not outgrow childhood Center of the Universe Syndrome (yet another fascinating and annoying phenom I’d love to discuss at some point) or are we just truly that lazy about participating in our own life success?
Someone said of a hopeless young girl at our barn the other day – I say hopeless because she is always looking for “a man” and always picking the wrong ones. There is some deep seeded guilt, shame, simply not knowing somewhere in there and I can’t put my finger on it. But, someone said oh, she is so pretty I don’t know why she can’t find a good one… And I rolled my eyes and bit my tongue.
Why must our worth be based on whether we are pretty enough to find a “good” man. Define “good” for me? See, it is from these beliefs, which are passed down to our girls, this whole syndrome stems from them.
There are no fairytales! If I was a mother to a girl I swear to gods I would forbid her from watching Disney movies. LOL. I’d be like – TWD, sure honey, Cinderella, absolutely NOT. Afterall, the zombie apocalypse may certainly happen but some bullshit about a shoe that doesn’t fit and a “true” princess and a man to save her… I mean, what universe are we talking about here?
The bottom line is that no one, NO ONE can save us from the world, from ourselves, from each and every hurdle and awful day. And no one should be expected to. When do we become our own knights? When do we learn that life rolls along and it sucks? And then it gets better and then it has some shitty parts and then it is wonderful for a bit and then there are challenges and then… THERE IS NO FOREVERLY HAPPY. There is no one to open every single door and bring flowers every single day. There is no one to “bring home the bacon” whilst you dally away your time.
The thing that bothers me most about the whole KISAS is the inevitable state of being beholden to another person. And it perplexes me that women who suffer from it cannot see that someone else controls them. Controls their happiness, their comfort, their decisions, their life… If someone has “saved” you, the assumption is that you owe them, correct? Whether it is said or not, our society makes TONS of assumptions and this is part of KISAS. I like to be able to say that I may struggle, certainly we all may, but my decisions are my own. My future is my own. My daily choices, again, my own. You cannot say these things if you are beholden to another.
I was taught one thing by my mother. Actually, I wasn’t taught it she just said it over and over to me from the time I could comprehend words. I realized later that it was because she felt it was the ONE lesson that she could give me about the most important thing in life and she knew she had failed at it. She would say – never depend on a man Gillian. Never depend on a man for anything. She would say this in hushed conversations, or when I was about to make a poor boyfriend choice, or randomly enough to make me think – where’d that come from? See, mom never freed herself from dependence. Her dependence was financial and due to her own poor choices even though she was the senior breadwinner at times she still “needed” a man… She floated from marriage to marriage trying to maintain some lifestyle that she had dreamed about clear into her 70s. It makes me extremely sad that the choices of someone I love were shaped by this syndrome at a young age and therefore relationships became more about strategy than love.
I think that is what bothers me most about KISAS. It might begin by being about a fairytale, but often it ends up being a cold, strategic mindset. Rather than it go there, might we simply try to be our own heroes from the start?
Trying to live well in every way...and sometimes laughing about it later.