It has been a particularly bad month here so far in terms of weather. It doesn't matter how "mild" November and December were, once we hit the first of the year, we all knew we were in for it and Mother Nature has delivered. Besides experiencing Jonas (the 2nd most snowfall in this city ever recorded) we've had continual smaller storms and "dangerous snow squall" warnings (when did those become a "thing" anyway?) off and on for weeks. We seem to get more than TWC calls for every single time, which has led to a workmate naming this season "The Winter of Underestimation".
Considering everyone knows how passionate (lol) I feel about winter, it isn't a surprise to me that I'm quite grumpy these days and also sad, on and off on the verge of tears, tired, worn and just DONE. Even if the beginning of the season is mild, once I get to February I am simply so over even the possibility of cold, snow, ice and all the inconveniences that come with it that I need therapy daily.
I address weather only because I think it relates (for me anyway) to larger things and mindsets - my own and those of others. Somehow my mind goes into darkness (and not the good kind we celebrate) during the final half of winter. It is a very tricky time for me from a mental health standpoint.
It is in times like these that seeing or hearing about emotional pain, angst, anger and dealing with disappointment from those around me hits me deep and gets me thinking things like goddammit I am sick of this world. I'm sick of it for my friends, sick of it for myself and sick to death of not only not winning but not even getting to really play. There is something not right about the way things are, the way people are, the way the world's energy is flowing. The sci fi geek in me would say the Force is most definitely...off.
But, you know I watch a lot of historical documentaries and on many levels I've concluded it has always been this way. We like to believe that the world has improved and that things have changed but really, from a broad perspective, it isn't much different now than it ever was. There are some leaders that are forward thinking, others that are not. Political differences may have resulted in death then, now they result in varying degrees of something similar. Death of sense, of order, of the ability to distinguish between plausible representation and the outright laughable scenario. There is hope for some, then there isn't. It gets snatched away like your balance on a patch of ice. It is there then poof - gone. There are those at the top, then there are the rest of us in varying degrees, usually notated by what we are "worth" and that "worth" determined by money. There are gladiators (only they are not slaves or prisoners, they are actually among those at the top), there are peasants.
Then there is simply the sadness of life. Death, abuse, illness... Is it because we are SO connected to everything now that this stuff seems to flood in and overwhelm us? All news seems sad or horrific and it blasts in through Facebook and other media minute by minute. It isn't enough to simply not buy the paper or turn on the evening news. It is everywhere.
Shutting it off seems about as likely as controlling the snow or temperature. I think that is part of the frustration because although we perceive that we can control this information, in reality, we can't. I'm not sure how to deal with this time of year and/or the overflow of negative stimuli that only compounds it. I'm not even sure why I spend time (like this) contemplating it because I just get more off center and feel more sad.
So, I just try to grab hold of little Imbolc's hand and remember her telling me to hold on, just hold on a little longer... It is always the coldest and darkest time right before the scales tip ever so slightly toward the warmth of the light. Once that light appears, a little bit of rational thought will re-enter my mind.
A Diary of...
Trying to live well in every way...and sometimes laughing about it later.