In no particular order ~ archives of the many blog posts I have penned over the years... I'll date them but other than that they are pot luck!
9-7-12 Experiments of Self
I am doing an experiment. It will begin on Sunday officially but I am fleshing out the details of it between now and then and exploring possible ways to test it, push it, verify it. Nature or Nurture sort of. Basically, are we destined to "be" of a certain mindset? Are we naturally positive people or negative people? Are we naturally destined to absorb a mood or the emotions of others? I find that it is hard for me to not do that whole empathic thing and feel what others are feeling, whether it is good for me or not. In addition, I have the added issue of a continual battle with being raised to see the half
empty glass as opposed to the one that is half full. The downtrodden. Yup, got classes in that daily. LOL.
So, I fight it. I fight it while still trying to maintain my quirky outlook
and wicked sense of humor and deep down still hate people in a general Dr. House sort of way on his better days. You know, the ones where he is actually right and funny not just mean.
It is a hard tightrope to walk. The daily changes in people you encounter, issues that pop up and general mood swings of groups, coworkers, loved ones and any number of other people you engage with can leave you dusted. Sometimes I find myself road raging and then when I stop and think about it I wonder ~ why? Am I not in charge of my own emotions and attitude? I must be. I am an adult,
relatively intelligent (meaning I am not a complete village idiot), plus I
understand the ramifications of having a negative attitude and how it makes a life less than pleasurable.
I have come to this distinct point in my life though where I have much more control over many more things than I used to. What I want to test is whether control makes a difference in the absorption of other's emotional states. Whether situations that have contributed to maximum agitation will now simply raise an eyebrow and elicit a shrug.
I don't want to turn my emotions OFF. I just want to experience my
emotions, not those of others.
4/9/12 - Cleaning House
Cyber House that is. Yesterday I spent hours cleaning up my "real" facebook. Not to be confused with my real facebook. You know, the important one. The Gillian one. The "real" one is my mundane facebook. Ugggghhh so annoying. Who
was the person that said facebook is the reminder of why you did not remain friends with people from high school in the first place? LOL.
What happened was this. I had killed the damn thing a few weeks back. Deleted myself from the world. Then I went to the barn yesterday and my young friend, let us call her, Nona... Nona says- you deleted your FB didn't you? I say - yeah why? She says (looking all hurt just like a drama major practices) - I posted pictures of my make-up project and could not wait for you to see them because I made myself look like Marilyn Manson. I was crushed
because I knew you would appreciate it. LOL. Stupid actresses always makin' you feel bad for stuff.
So I explained, in great detail, how I was sick to death of all my dumbass so called "friends" spewing born again god fearing republican crap my way when all I might like to do perhaps is just keep in touch with a few select people. To which she replied - why don't you just delete them?
WHY did I not think of that? So, I spent a liberating evening deleted every m-effer that gets on my nerves and Sam got to enjoy my funny comments while doing so. Stuff like - Really? Those don't even look like your kids.
Or - You never were very bright.
Or - You were mean to me back then and now you
looovvveeee jeezus and the world????
Or my particular favorite - you are the reason the words "dumbass" and "redneck" are used together so often.
I then had a funny discussion with Tony about how it was counterintuitive to his generation (he is 18) to be trying to actually get your friend list DOWN TO fewer than 20 people. LOL. And now it is SO nice to log in and actually see people I give two shits about. And isn't that the point?
11/27/2010 - General Mosh Up and Movie Requirements
Well, I am spending a Saturday night enjoying the first Lord of the Rings and some Dead Guy Ale. Oh, and popcorn. I am no longer a single girl but this sort of thing used to be a regular happening with me. Not that movie in particular but whatever entertainment I could pick rather than going out and sitting in a bar, sucking down cigarette smoke (my own and other's) and listening to bad pick up lines. I have always been a bit of a homebody. I tend to make my surroundings my own and then settle nicely into them. I've never been a real fan of the party scene or going out and socializing. I mean, unless that includes a bonfire and ghost stories. A redneck upbringing is good for some things! But that is a whole other post.
What I'm saying is that my choice to stay at home and completely immerse myself in a movie or even go to a dark theater by myself and enter the mysterious world of....wherever, was never thought of as some "oh that poor singleton" thing. At least by me! Who knows (or cares) what anyone else thought.
Entertainment is my friend. And has been since I was a very young child. Entertainment can take you to worlds you can never imagine. It can keep you company, it can move you, it can make you forget your own problems and transport you to the most amazing places. With entertainment anything is possible. Actually, my line is that with science fiction, all things are possible but I am paraphrasing here. LOL. Entertainment can profoundly impact a person. But that is another post.
They have a cave troll...
Movies should have hot men. And women. I'm not being discriminatory here everyone should have what they truly need in a movie whether you are a man that likes women, a woman that likes men, a man that likes men, a woman that likes women, a woman that likes...well, frankly I like beautiful either way. I mean, I prefer men but heck, I'll admire Angelina if that's all that's in there. Now she better be kicking some ass (my other requirement) but sure, I'm game.
Why should movies have hot men? Because they are fantasy! They are a means to completely immerse yourself in another world and in another world isn't everyone just simply...well, exceedingly hot is what I'm sayin'! I feel robbed if I go to a movie and there is not at least one guy that is in some manner rugged, mysteriously interesting, able to wield a sword, a gun, a stick or his own foot and make it look like he could save me in a dark alley. Or at least assist me in some manner (because in my fantasies I am of course able to wield my own sword, gun, stick and both feet) so it isn't like I need him, but... Well, you get my drift.
I hold no grudge against guys who see movies because hot chicks are in them. Why not? I see movies because hot men are in them! Now, my other requirements include the swords, guns, sticks, foot combat and horses are nice too. Horse riding caps my decision off really well.
I was watching an interview with Dwayne Johnson this week about his new movie Faster. I love Dwayne. I still call him The Rock. I am a Guy Movie girl. So when the interviewer asked him what he thought of his movie going up against what will no doubt be the date movie of the month, Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathoway's Love and Other Drugs, he said something along the lines of - oh, given the choice between the two movies do you really want to that guy around the water cooler on Monday? You know, the guy that went to see the chick flick? LOL. I agree Dwayne!
Guys in movies should be doing the mostly what men look great doing. Hunting, shooting, jousting, riding, protecting whatever it is they are supposed to be protecting. And show their abs while they are doing it. And make them be sensitive just a little. Not enough to annoy me though. No one likes a girly man. And, except for Jason Statham of course, let them have long hair.
Now I must go get another Dead Guy Ale. Things are heating up here in the lands of Middle Earth. And All shall love me and and despair...
7-20-12 Feelings and Experience
Push and Pull. Ebb and Flow. To truly hold one must let go. Hmmmmm... I am a rhyme lover yes. Most of my spells rhyme. Nearly all of my poems rhyme. It seems right for me.
Most of the time in my life I have gone by what feels right. Very rarely has that been the wrong thing to do. I fancy that I have an easier time letting go of things than other people do. Things like stuff, people, places. I have never feared moving. What if I don't know anyone? Well, I'll go out and meet some people. What if I don't know anything about the town? Well, I'll go out and explore it. Experiences like moving and moving on have always given me more of a sense of freedom than of fear. Life is change. Embrace it and then open your arms and let it soar.
I also think that super routines just result in complications. I don't like
complications. Sam says I'm a true gypsy. Scheduled daily family dinner used to drive me absolutely insane. I don't take the same route to work everyday. I don't have time for a "make-up" routine.
I don't believe breakfast happens to always be the standard of the
most important meal of the day. I dislike being told it is or is not
early/late enough to go to bed. I hate having to wash my hair (don't worry - I do I just don't like to). I cannot stand to be tied to the same routine day in and out. I wonder if I even brush my teeth the same way on a daily basis? LOL. I probably do but other than that I need to flow like water. Or maybe like what is under the water. I need to flip or turn or float depending on how I feel and what the world is saying to me. Routine reminds me of rules and there are plenty of rules in the world I don't need anyone imposing extra ones on me for their own benefit.
I do enjoy the routine of work. The routine of work provides me with just enough structure for my tastes but only because my work is so varied. Crazy long hours in the summer, more normal schedule in the off-season, lots of running from place to place, no set "clock in and out" times. I don't mind that I am overworked for the busy seasons because it gives me flexibility in my day and in the off season. If I worked in a cubical I might have to stab myself in the eye on a regular basis. Come to think of it when I did work in a cubical I thought of stabbing myself in the eye pretty often.
So what does this have to do with holding on and letting go? Mainly that to hold onto yourself and what is true you have to let go of what others want to be true, want to impose upon you, want you to be. I am not talking about being inflexible. I am talking about knowing yourself and what is important to you.
We all have things that are "musts" and we also have things that are
"meehhhhh" and by that I mean, something other than must. I have a whole lot of meehhhh things. So many that most of my more structured girlfriends will say - how do you stand/ignore/put up with this or that? I'll be like - what? Oh, that...shoot who cares. But the things that matter to me REALLY matter to me. I know myself is my point and I know what is important to me.
So a good exercise would be to list what is important to you. What are your musts? What are your meehhhhhs? How much structure? How little? Does it work? How can you make it work better? All these things lead to daily peace. And isn't that what we all really want?
2/28/12 - The Scarfing of Magic and Everything Else.
Ahhhhh...Spring is getting ready to spring and I am feeling more "in touch" with my emotions and all that crazy stuff that leads me down the path of......wait for it.....not eating very much meat. HA HA HA.
Everyone pretty much knows I am a reformed "junk food vegetarian". Well, mostly reformed. My normal preferences for food involve mostly carbs and mostly carbs of the processed kind, which made me a REALLY good junk food vegetarian back in the day. I try to curb it as well as I can. It works sometimes. LOL.
One funny thing that happened this weekend was that Sam and I were watching a marathon of Top Chef (love that show) and at one point one of the guys is fixing lobster for 150 people and just was chopping clean thru these wriggling, live lobsters like there was no tomorrow. Sam said - this bothers you doesn't it? It had not occurred to me for some time that yes, it does bother me, stuff like that. When one of them fixes lamb I'm always like - OK whatever you lose. LOL.
I'm not making judgements on what people eat individually. Far from it. I am making overgeneralizations and broad stroke paintings on what a bunch of damn gluttons we are in every single way. LOL.
And I include myself. Because I have been ignoring lots of stuff that
"bothers" me lately. By "lately" I don't even know WTF I mean in terms of time. Like most things, when you realize that you have gradually slid into a mindset or a lifestyle the realization comes on in a light bulb moment but pinpointing when exactly you started to walk down the path is more difficult.
Things that I have been ignoring and/or overindulging in include:
1. the poor lobsters (LOL);
2. the amount of plastic I am adding to the plastic upon plastic (not to worry I still recycle like a good girl but really the amount of soda I have been consuming lately is ridiculous. Like, yesterday in the store I got a soda and thought "really more plastic" and then I wanted strawberries but they were in a plastic container so i grabbed random apples instead because you know, I needed the pop more than the strawberries right? In actuality I didn't need EITHER of them but you know you can't go into the store just to buy canned cat food because that would indicate you had no purpose or you were eating it, right? Oh, yeah, I'm a little crazy cat lady sometimes).
3. clothes (I feel like I have too many even though they are
all in one closet in cute little, er, plastic storage boxes or hung according to type, ie - dress slacks, dress jackets, shirts, etc. Hey I never said I wasn't OCD OK?).
4. food in general because obviously having been a serious barf-o-matic machine with the plague of Death last week (also I never realized the body was such a fantastic storage device, I mean, the sheer AMOUNT of....OK, TMI sorry) for three days last week and having survived just fine on NOTHING do I really need to eat this much?
5. paper, my god the paper - WHY do we have to print stuff anyway? And how many times a day SHOULD I have to blow my nose?
6. little stupid things that I DO NOT NEED. A random bag, a
new bra, another toy for the cat that is happy playing with his old toys.
I was thinking today as I washed my coffee cup at work that I remember a time when I had a tiny little microwave the size of one of those old milk boxes, one plate, a set of silverware and a few cups and glasses. I never had anything in my frig but white rice and lentils. Or something else equally cheap that I could make in a big pot. There was Top Ramen in my cabinet and coffee was just an occasional treat. I had only basic cable and watched a lot of PBS. I listened to CDs and if I bought one I hoped I liked it because it was a WHOLE CD
not just a song for $1.29 from the internet. Am I sounding like an old person yet?
LOL. Maybe, but gosh I was happy. And my big spending? My girlfriend and I would spend Fridays first at the $7 all you can eat buffet at Cafe of India and then hit the afternoon movie, not once, but sometimes twice. We'd only pay for one movie because we were poor and we'd hang out in the bathroom between movies and sneak back in. LOL. Then we'd drink cheap wine and talk deep thoughts well into the night. We shopped at the thrift store. We walked to class whenever we could. Why do I need anymore to make me happy now? Why do any of us?
3/21/2010 - The Perils of Podcasting
Some days podcasting is a really fun hobby and completely enjoyable. Other days you wonder why in the frak you do it. Today was closer to the second example for me having just spent an entire almost seven hours on one tiny, approximate 40 minute episode.
Tips to would-be podcasters:
One - Don't plan on doing anything else the day of recording. You might be able to just don't plan on it because it won't happen.
Two - When the podcasting FAQ page tells you to have a consistent place to record there is a reason for that. I don't count myself as a master sound technician by any means and my quality is lesser than many, but I do try to work with what I have to the best of my ability. Taking your laptop from the normal acoustically so-so location and dragging it down to the man cave, setting stuff up on your weight bench and recording just outside the laundry room where the furnace is - not recommended.
Three - Related to Two and at some point inevitable - Life will interfere with podcasting. People will be in or near the room in which you normally record. Or they will need fed or be loud or just generally annoying. Not all of us have private studios. As a matter of a fact most of us don't and well, life is just a pain in the ass that way.
Four - There will be times when you have to do everything over.
Five - There will be times when you get to a point that you just don't give a shit and upload anyway.
Six - Don't beat yourself up when that happens.
Seven - Sometimes Podbean hates us all.
Eight - If your recording continually comes out wrong or in some manner *ucked up, cursing Audacity and thinking that perhaps your computer IS alive and mocking you probably isn't what is really going on. Most likely you have screwed something up so go pee, get something to eat, come back later and look at the project again.
Nine - Remember that next time things will probably turn out better. Ten - Always make sure you have actually pressed the record button. Usually this fails to happen only when you are certain that you HAVE pressed the record button so really I guess to say it is a tip is unfair.
Again, sometimes shit just happens with this hobby and it seems a little more like a job.
I'm not complaining though I'm just tired. LOL. And I think it might be Magic Hat time. ;)