You have to get up and walk. Everyday. You have to just put one foot in front of the other and sometimes that's all you can think about doing. Then just keep walking, step by step, over and over and eventually...
I told someone this last night. They needed a serious lift, shoulder, friend. I tell it to myself at various times too. I go back and forth between this little self saver and another one I recite about time. That one goes to just concentrate on the next minute. Just get through the next minute and then you can worry about the minute after that...
I'm on a mission right now. It is a bit of the above, a bit of some serious motivation/planning and a bit of autopilot all squished together.
I MUST get this house sold. In order to get my farm my house has to sell. It has been on the market for 8 full days now and six people have looked at it. There have been some follow-up questions that have given me hope, but, no offers yet. I know 8 days doesn't seem like a lot but in this market and in the price range I'm selling, stuff goes fast.
On auto-pilot I get up at 4:30, do some work related stuff, spot clean for the day, just in case. Everyday I do this. Spot cleaning to me is probably like real cleaning to a number of people but I want it inviting and immaculate because that's how it was promoted by my realtor. Then I go to work and sometimes at lunch I come home and make sure my cats haven't used the litter boxes, again....just in case. I'm obsessed with selling this house within a certain time frame because I have to be...
The friend I spoke to last night...we are intent on hitching up a trailer with two fucking horses in it by May. We are intent on having them somewhere that I can make sure they are safe daily, that they have quality hay to eat, that they have water to drink and that it isn't frozen solid for days on end. We are intent on them being somewhere without barbed wire fence, running around in a rock quarry, eating briers and god knows what else.
For them, I must sell this house. Like NOW. I must sell this house so that my worries about them can be lessoned or confirmed by walking to my barn and checking on them one last time tonight.
I am so obsessed with my mission at this point that I think of little else when I'm not at work and focused on work. Isn't it funny when work becomes a break for the stress of life? LOL. And I have a stressful job so gosh, talk about mixed up! I wake up at various hours during the night and my first thought is about selling this house. Before I go to sleep, as I drive past the realtor's sign in the front yard, whenever I get a text I jump because maybe it is an offer on this house...
Mission, Planning, Autopilot. That's my life right now. I have time for little else. I am undeniably tired but my focus cannot fade. I've gotta get this fucking ring to the top of the mountain dammit. I've gotta toss it in the pit and move the fuck on. Mission, Planning, Autopilot...
When I was a child, I constantly explored my world and made up adventurous stories that involved changing my dog into a dragon, pretending there were Fae in the woods (there probably were). We explored constantly and I fantasized that I could climb to the top of every mountain I could see in the distance. I never concerned myself with adult stuff like the attitudes or beliefs of the people around me, the economy of my home state or town. Those were grown-up things and I didn't understand them or care to.
As I moved into my rebellious years, I started to notice how the beliefs of those around me differed so much from my own. I ran into the language of bigotry and chosen ignorance and so I began to dream about leaving my world in search of somewhere better. I was obsessed with getting out and never coming back. I went to college far away but eventually, I guess after getting a dose of The South and realizing that all the things I was seeking to escape were everywhere else I would consider being as well, I returned home.
If I wanted to pursue opportunities elsewhere at this point in my life I could. I've got a decent career history and specialization. I am of the right age where employers would see me as "experienced" but not "too close to retirement". I was talking with my best friend the other night about his contemplation of leaving the State. We are both public servants so there is an understanding of the difficulties with dwindling budgets, the failing coal industry and the trickle-down impact that has on the public sector bottom line. Then, there are the people. They don't understand big pictures or care to. They are like children all over again, the chosen ignorant, still, it seems, the best bitchers, moaners and complainers in the universe...
It makes a person tired. Plus there are the winters! LOL don't even get me started on the winters.
But, as I said to him - I won't leave again. More than the whole "I don't want to leave" there is the very, very intuitive need to stay. I can't explain it. I'm stubborn I guess. I left once and found that things (as far as people go) were not so much different elsewhere and given the fact that I'm unwilling to live in a city I don't think that has changed. I've traveled, not extensively but enough to see some beautiful places in our country. In my soul not one of them has compared to my little State of West Virginia. Well, maybe Alaska....yes, most certainly Alaska LOL...
I won't leave because of the land. Because when I am lucky enough to find my way to the top of a mountain and I look out over the edge all I see for miles and miles are more mountains full of tall trees. Not just full, but overflowing with them. I know they aren't old growth but to me they are just as beautiful because they are the soldiers that sprouted from destruction. Our forests were raped and trampled upon (I always think of that conversation in Lord of the Rings between the Orc and Saruman: The trees are strong, my lord. Their roots go deep. Rip them all down). When I walk in them I can almost feel the loss, still there even after so many years. Once while in Nevada I met a woman that had family in WV. We talked about things for a bit and she said that she didn't like driving here because the trees were so dense along the highway and she always felt claustrophobic. I found that interesting because I always feel cradled by them.
There are limestone crags and caves, huge groves of laurel, streams and fast running creeks that stretch for miles. There are fields upon fields, farms and pathways through forests that twist and turn endlessly into a world where most of my worthwhile childhood memories live. I can't leave these things because there is the knowledge that leaving at this point would mean that I probably wouldn't return. People remain homesick for places for extended periods of time in their lives. They marry and move, or careers take them elsewhere and some of them end up falling in love with where they are but I think that there would be a void for me that can only be filled by this land. This little oddly etched out State, the only one that resides 100% within the Appalachian Mountain Range, is my home.
I can’t lie and say that sometimes I still don’t dream of packing up and heading somewhere far away. I have a gypsy soul and a dreamer’s heart. I hear little snippets of “so and so moved to Arizona” or someplace else incredibly different than here. I always envy that person a little, maybe not for the exact place that they are headed but for their boldness. Am I simply too afraid to go anywhere else? I don’t really think so when I work through it. For instance, I absolutely abhor winter but not enough to give up mountains and woodlands. There was a time in my life where I would have, but that time has passed and age has given me the insight that those tall trees and rocky crags and mountains that stretch for miles come with a price and that price is called winter.
I could go elsewhere and be amongst people with more similar goals and life outlooks. Magical folk are hard to find here, although I’m convinced they do exist. People with open, progressive minds are even harder to find and not having them leads to a certain amount of self-imposed isolation for me, which is sad but better than having to fight and argue at every conversation.
As I work through it in my mind, over and over, it becomes clear again and again that it isn’t my mind that holds me here but my soul. My soul was born here. She has explored these woods, climbed to the highest points in all directions, she has looked out over the Appalachian range again and again. She talks to trees and the Fae and they tell her all the secrets I have longed to know since the beginning of my wanderings upon the land that is my home. I could go somewhere warmer, more hospitable and definitely more progressive. But I would long for these mountains and I would mourn the loss of them.
So, I am here, with sometimes seemingly impossible dreams. I won’t give up on the land, my State, my mountains. I won’t give up on my soul’s home.
I hesitated to even speak of this because I have always been a huge believer in the karmic Universe. Only my karmic Universe includes things like - don't speak of anything good until you are 100% standing in the middle of whatever it is your are speaking with who/whatever you are speaking about because if you do you will ruin it.
Not a very good attitude to be certain. But, I'm cautious. Well, I'm WAY more than cautious. I'm a cynical pragmatist who has been taught (and taught very well) that in this world you must claw and fight and defend what you have and what you want and you must never, ever trust that there is any reason you should have it, other than your sheer will, determination and ability to muster brute force when needed. My Viking ancestors would be proud. LOL. However, it is not a very positive outlook I am aware.
In the spirit of Yoga Camp, which I've just completed, I keep remembering Adriene's comment one day that the Universe is for me. Not that everything in the Universe is for my consumption mind you but that to look at it as an extension of one's hopes and dreams, to believe that the pursuit of one's goals and happiness is not a bad thing and that the Universe is actually pulling for you. I'm not sure if I'll ever get "there" but I'm trying.
So, I made an offer on a farm. To my amazement, it was accepted (again, I had fully prepped myself for a walk-away immediately). And so begins the long and stressful journey of actually purchasing said farm, selling my own house, etc. There are TONS of opposing forces against a set of stars that need to align exactly right at precisely the right moments. There are inspections and such and more importantly, as with most house switches these days, my house MUST sell in order for me to purchase the farm. Hence, I have what is known as a "wipe-out clause", which simply means I can get out of the deal if my house doesn't sell. A wipe-out clause protects me but also allows for others to still look at and make offers on the farm.
It is sure to be a prickly few months, this upcoming spring, full of probable daily ups and downs. I am trying to only think good thoughts and as my daddy says "keep your eye on the ball, girl" - which is amazing since he is one of the people who taught me that the Universe is most definitely NOT for me, but alas, age and wisdom I guess.
So, for now, for just a few moments, I am letting myself drift into thinking about waking up every day and looking out my bedroom window to see my horse (and my friend's horse, who will be living there too), watching the sun come up over this amazing field behind the house, tending to chickens, knitting sweaters for rescued baby goats.... Maybe I should ask friends that actually CAN knit to make sweaters for baby goats... I'm allowing myself to hope and dream, which is something that I have not done for a long, long time.